Look Ute, Feel Ute

I should have thought twice before agreeing to go shopping with Trisha and Stephen. If I had, I might have realised that their idea of that activity differed somewhat from mine. See, I thought we would be hitting the mall, demolishing a few sales, grabbing a smoothie, doing some more window shopping, maybe catching a movie afterwards. So I was taken by surprise when I realised we were trekking out to a place that fabricates aluminium accessories for utes.

Not that I’ve got anything against utes – they’re all well and good with me; I just don’t know much about them, and more to the point I don’t own one. I don’t think I’ve ever expressed even the vaguest interest in buying a ute. So, in short, it was a bit of perplexing exercise. I can only put it down to the fact that Trisha and Stephen want to get me in on their 4WD adventures, and do so by simply exposing me to the wide array of add-ons on offer. 

I won’t deny that their enthusiasm proved just a tiny bit infectious. I mean, I’d never imagined there was such a thing as a custom-built ute toolbox for sale. Melbourne tradies might roll their eyes at this, which seems fair – of course this is a thing. Again, though – I don’t own a ute and I never have, so why would I have given a passing thought to ute toolboxes? Evidently, I’ve been too busy stacking shoeboxes. 

Moreover, there’s a whole world of aluminium ute canopy designs out there. Before today, I probably would have heard that and figured it was some kind of hot new canapé, with aluminium being the last word in trendy, unconventional ingredients since charcoal. Hey, that’s just how my mind works. 

So, am I going to join the ute brigade? Maybe. Stranger things have happened, like that time I found those new-in-box Manilo Blochnik shoes at a car boot sale for a fiver.

Secret Hyperbaric Society

Well, I have to admit it, this was a pretty good idea after all. When Daniel first mentioned getting a portable hyperbaric chamber for the lodge, I thought he’d lost his mind. The funds in the treasury were low enough already and I honestly couldn’t see the use. But ever since we got one, it’s been incredibly popular. All of the British noblemen of Melbourne are enjoying it, so much so that we’ve had to establish a half-hour limit to hyperbaric sessions.

I asked Daniel how he got the idea, and he said that he’d recently been getting mild hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Melbourne residing British noblemen don’t usually need such things, since we’re all pretty healthy and rich, but Daniel explained that it’s not just for physical health purposes. Hyperbaric therapy can apparently reduce anxiety and stress. He seemed to know what he was talking about, so I voted in favour when the Lodge Master brought the topic up. Now it’s so popular in the lodge that you have to book two weeks in advance if you want the hyperbaric chamber. We might need to invest in a second one.

I’m not really sure where Reginald managed to find the money for our first hyperbaric chamber, though. A week ago it was looking like we’d have to close the lodge after a few of our members lost access to their family trust funds and couldn’t pay their one million dollar tithe. I still think Reginald is up to something, but I swore that I wouldn’t look into it any further, and that I’d try to leave the fact that I wasn’t made treasurer behind us. For the good of the British Noblemen of Melbourne Society, I won’t investigate anymore. I’ll just check the spycam set up in the treasury before I go to bed tonight, and then I will be done. Who cares if suddenly Reginald can get hyperbaric chambers for all of us? I’m sure there’s nothing suspicious about it at all.

Beach House Build

My boyfriend and I are at the peak of our professional careers so far. We are in our mid-thirties, and collectively we are earning the most money we’ve ever earned. As a result, we’ve decided to buy a property of land in a Victorian beach-side town, and we will build a home together that we can use as our beach house for years to come.

As neither my boyfriend or I are tradespeople, we will be leaving the build and design to the experts. I have made a number of requests of features that I would like in the home, with the first being an awning window installation. I have always been a massive fan of awning windows. They have a real character about them that, in my opinion, makes any home feel instantly more homely. I feel like having awning windows in our beach house makes a lot of sense, as we will be able to open them and let in the sea breeze, but don’t have to commit to completely open windows. 

My second request for the design of our new home is to change the designers choice of our front door. I don’t mean to be picky but the door doesn’t allude to the vibe I want my house to give off, which is why we’ll need a door replacement. Melbourne builders and designers are incredibly talented and eager to incorporate the ideas of their clients, which is why I feel I am able to make suggestions such as these to our designers.

I’m really glad that we’ve employed people to help work on our home, as it is really important to me that our money is being spent wisely and that the house will last my boyfriend and I for many years to come. I am so certain that he’ll be the person I spend the rest of my life with, which is why building this home together is so exciting. We’re entering the next stage of our relationship, and I am filled with joy because of it.

Family Betrayal!

I’m not happy. Not. Happy. Stan. And I’m especially not happy with you, Gran.

I thought this family was united, all metaphorically linking arms and skipping into the sea to start a new life in a dome home. The boat’s all ready to go, I got Melbourne’s best stainless steel marine fabrication on the case to make it the perfect carrier vehicle. Then there’s an emergency meeting of the McCann Clan, and it turns out that Jan, Stan and Gran are all going to stay on land.

Can you imagine? Such betrayal! And then Dan stands up, saying that their passion has sawyed him; he and his wife Fran are out as well, as well as their triplets: Bran, Lan and Tyran.

That just leaves me, Yan, Han and Xian. We’ve booked ourselves quite a large dome home, and I’m just not sure the four of us are going to be able to pay the rent all by ourselves, or perform the daily tasks that come with owning that sort of property. Someone needs to feed the fish, check that the rod holders are still functional, and scrub the barnacles off the surface of the entrance tube. Oh, and don’t even get me started on how Stan was supposed to be the one who did all the emergency marine welding when we were out on the ocean and couldn’t get them to the actual, professional marine stainless steel fabrication people. He did an apprenticeship with Old Man Gilligan that one time for two weeks. Old Man Gilligan unfortunately perished at sea when he mistook the fishing rod holder cable for his bootstraps, laced them up good, let down the cable in the middle of a storm (to catch the legendary Melbourne Storm Fish) and…um, well, you know. He will be missed. He will be avenged! In fact, a large part of why we’re moving under the sea is so that we can better plot our dark revenge against the ocean itself.

But that’s neither here nor there. I’m going to have to go find some great bait board experts, and use their…expertise. Ask them if a dome home can be maintained on a skeleton crew, you know? And of course, now we’re adding over half the family to the revenge list, so that’s even more of a time sink.

-Ann Azerbaijan McCann

Free Driving Country

I’m really starting to get used to this version of Australia. For one thing, it’s free, as is travel. I’ve only ever seen cities other than Melbourne from afar, since, you know…we’re all locked in a bitter war with each other. In this world, you literally just flash a driver’s license to prove you’re the person who bought the ticket and you can fly anywhere.

Like, while classes are on break, I’m visiting Adelaide. There’s all this greenery, and people smile instead of shooting you on sight. You can just rent a car, and getting the services of an auto mechanic is something you just…do. No going out into the badlands scavenging for parts, no waiting eight weeks for government authorisation that will probably be denied because parts are needed for either the war effort or for the gravity engines that keep the city aloft. You just go to a car mechanic, say that maybe you need a wheel alignment service, and they do it. Truly, freedom to get wheel alignment services with nothing more than an appointment booking is the symbol of a prosperous society.

Although one complaint: I shouldn’t have to get that sort of car service with a hire car. I had to go for the ultra cheap option, renting a car from Seedy Dan’s Rental Bombs, and the contract states that all repairs are the renter’s concern. Back in my reality, that sort of negligence would be punishable by mind wipe, after which the business owner would either be repurposed as a worker drone or an actual drone (as in, they’d be fired at the enemy as a way to damage morale). 

But this is nice, mostly. Car services on demand (sort of – at least, from my perspective), and freedom to get in a car and travel wherever you like. I haven’t checked, but I think you could, if you wanted, travel from Melbourne to Adelaide without there being any borders – crazy. And even if you were from another city, you could freely use car services open in Adelaide, as if you lived there. Double crazy! I really could get used to this kind of luxury.

-Winston

Bay Tree Offering

“Crikey mate, watch out for that snake!” That’s what I said to my cameraman as we headed deep into the bush in search of the elusive drop bear. With a knife in one hand and a branch of the bay tree in the other, I crept around the slithery beast. I’ve fought crocodiles and emus, but I’m yet to tangle with the devil’s kin. Likewise, I was yet to fight a drop bear.

A bottle cork hat would keep me protected from the deadly beasts of the air, and a singlet, shorts and thongs are all you need to fight off the oppressive Aussie heat. Some people believe you should use this thing called sunscreen, but that’s just a myth.

“What’s the code word again?” I asked my team, not taking my eyes off the narrow path ahead.

“Anemone,” one of them answered.

“Right, anaemia,” I said.

“No, it’s anemone.”

“That’s what I said. Allegedly.”

Up ahead, I spotted it. The great drop bear. Legend has it that there’s only three in Australia. As quick as demons and as heavy as a bus, they can take a man out with little more than a stare. I gripped the bay tree branch harder, ready to give it to the drop bear as a peace offering.

As I approached, the devilish creature looked up at me. I held back a shriek. Deep within its eyes, I could see its horrible desires. Unspeakable desires. I got within ten metres and placed the branch down.

Then something horrible happened. It began to move toward me. But I was ready for this! I reached into my backpack and pulled out a jar of black vegetable paste. The only known repellant. Unscrewed the lid. Dipped my fingers in.

Empty.

A scream. It came from my own throat. “Gemini! Legacy! Independency!” I tried words at random, but my team did not move. What was it again? “Helpfully? Embassy? Oh, anemone! Anemone!”

With that one, beautiful word, my team sprung to action, pulling me out of that deadly situation. We fled, leaving the branch of a bay tree behind in the dust. The drop bear began to feast.

– Keith the Outback Expert

Minimalist Space

Oh no, this is a disaster. Our office is completely ruined! I knew I shouldn’t have let Toby take control of the designs. I told him it was supposed to be space-themed, as in minimalist, but he thought I meant outer space-themed. I can’t believe this. Now the carpet is boring grey and all our chairs are moon rocks. There are stars hanging from the ceiling and a massive model of Jupiter blocking the doorway to the conference room. What was he thinking?

We’ll have to just deal with this for a few days while I talk to a business that offers commercial office fitouts in Melbourne. It’s important that we get a real minimalist design and fitout here, because my staff are easily distracted. Right now, James and Caroline are on a “tour of the solar system” instead of doing their jobs. It’s very frustrating, but I like everyone here too much to fire any of them. So I’ll just take away all their distractions.

Just the other day, when we had our initial meeting to discuss the changes, I asked everyone how we could become the most productive office in Melbourne. Office design, I said. I was about to elaborate, but then a solar eclipse happened outside and I lost all of their attention. That’s when I told Toby to sort out a minimalist space for us, so maybe he got confused because of the solar event. 

It’s really quite the epidemic, the lack of attention. Not good for a business that sells “attentiveness coffee” to university students. It’s possible the product is just a placebo, because about six months ago it stopped working on everyone here. Now if they so much as hear an ice cream truck or a fire engine on the street, they’re out of their chairs and into the car park. My solution is nothing interesting here, internet blockers and soundproofing for every room in the building. I hope it works.

Obsessed With Glass

For some reason, my girlfriend has this thing for glass. I went to her house the other day, and there was just glass everywhere. Glass doors, glass windows, glass television, glass microwave. It’s crazy. I don’t know why she is so obsessed with it, but honestly, it’s starting to weird me out a little. Every time I go out with her, she insists that I wear glasses, even though I have no need for them. She wears glasses too, even though she’s got 20/20 vision. All she’s been talking about lately is how she’s looking for residential glazing, which I have to give my opinion on.

I didn’t even realise they had glass versions of all these objects. Whose idea was it to make glass cutlery? I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea, but I’m not sure what the purpose is. Next, she’s going to come out and tell me there’s such a thing as glass clothing. That would be a bit weird if she demanded I go to a restaurant in glass pants.

It makes it pretty easy to buy gifts for her, though. I can just go on a crafts website and choose literally anything made out of glass. If our relationship gets really serious, a glass ring will cost less than a diamond one, too. And I’ve always liked the look of the glass balustrades across Melbourne, so that would be nice to have at our future house. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining.

After all, she hasn’t judged me for my house made of straw. Yes, I know the story of the three little pigs, but I’m not really worried about a wolf coming and blowing it down. That’s why I stay away from wolves in the first place. I don’t want to annoy any of them into destroying my home. But if they did come for my house, the straw man outside should be able to deal with them while I escape.

Powering Fort Citizen

I can’t believe Fort Citizen is actually taking off. Ever since I wrote that blog post, explaining how I thought it was immoral that we are forced to stay in the country of our birth, and how I have built a fortress and proclaimed it independent of Australia, people have been joining me here. They’re revoking their citizenship and making my dream a reality. Now we’ve got a small community that’s starting to thrive. We’ve built a mine so that we can get ores and have farms all throughout the wooden fortress. By my reckoning, we’re about to hit the bronze age.

I’m hoping that somebody joins us that has knowledge in solar power because if we could get a 100 kw system installed, that would launch us right back into the 21st century. To be honest, I’m not minding the stone age, though. It’s a simpler time and means that our lack of communication with the outside world (now that my phone has run out of charge) isn’t so detrimental. Morale is pretty good at the moment, especially now that we’ve got the wine almost ready. Energy is the least of our concerns right now.

Eventually, though, we will have to make the leap forward. After all, Fort Citizen will have to grow as more refugees come in from Australian soil. We’ll have to claim territory, and we’re not ready for war yet. It might be better if we get solar energy set up sooner rather than later. If there are any experts in commercial energy storage near Melbourne, there’s a free citizenship waiting, as long as you bring the equipment and plenty of solar panels.

Hopefully, once we hit the iron age, we can skip right past the middle ages and onto the industrial revolution. I’m not too keen on the black plague, and I’m starting to see a few rats around. Our population has swelled up to one hundred already, and it’s only been a few weeks since I wrote that first blog post. Maybe I should start making the call for soldiers to join us.

Missing King

Many people don’t know this, but Victoria technically has a monarchy. Not the British one, but an actual monarchy of its own. If the people of Victoria wanted it, they could become their own country with King Josiah at its head. He currently doesn’t have any constitutional power, but if five hundred thousand people agree to follow him, the state becomes an official monarchy. For now, though, he lives in a palace in the outer suburbs of Melbourne. I’m one of his many servants, and I’ve got a big problem. I don’t know where King Josiah actually is right now.

I assume he’s in the palace, but it’s impossible to tell. It used to be easy to find him in this lavish labyrinth, but recently he ordered commercial tinting near Melbourne, and it’s just been finished. You used to be able to look through the palace’s many windows to find the king, but now that they’re dark, the task has become a nightmare. I’ve tried calling his mobile phone, but he isn’t answering. I’ve been to every room in the palace and haven’t found him, but the security cameras don’t show him leaving, so he must still be here. He must be moving rooms, and I’ve just been unlucky not to find him. There’s a really urgent matter I have to discuss with him! Why did he have to get what is essentially tinting for an office? We’re in a palace! 

It really is important that I see him soon. Some policemen came around this morning and were asking about irregularities in the pension fund, which is strange since I didn’t even realise we had a pension fund. The officers refused to leave, so I really must find King Josiah so that he can sort this out. He’s been missing for several hours now. At what point do I just go outside and tell the police to file a missing persons report? That might get them to go away.